Jokes about vodka and alcohol. Oak barrels Jokes about Russians and vodka

What only our people can not create in alcoholic intoxication. Some cases still go beyond what is permitted, but, nevertheless, in most situations, drunk people are drawn only to harmless fun adventures.

After reading drunk jokes, you can see with your own eyes a picture of how resourceful and ridiculous our man is in a drunken state. Jokes about drunks can be recognized as the best genre in the text version of humor. In photo jokes, demotivators for alcohol rightfully occupy the palm.

Funny drunk jokes most often they talk about the consequences of drinking, that is, about the creations of people who drank alcoholic beverages. And only a few anecdotes about drunks tell about the events before this grandiose event.

What jokes about drunks can be called the best? To some extent, both are good, but the jokes about drunks are hilarious, all the same, in which events are visible before the drinking and after it ends. For example, I like the joke about the printing press and the KGB. Search if you're interested.

The Russian people cannot be imagined without beer. There are a lot of jokes on the Internet about drinking beer, the joy when it appears, savoring the drink; that is, our man does not live easily without beer. Therefore, it is also necessary funny beer jokes, which will tell funny stories in the process of consuming this drink.

Beer is beer, but without vodka, a Russian person will really cease to be Russian. Funny jokes about vodka tell the funniest stories and show us the most pretentious and mischievous characters. Even educated scientists are able to scientifically explain the joy of drinking soon. Of course, drinking too much is bad. Therefore, sometimes, instead of abusing a large amount of alcohol, read jokes about vodka and watch the main characters of the joke.

As for demotivators, I probably got a little excited, forgetting about such a great and already seen genre - caricatures of drunks. In cartoons, alcoholics are always shown cheerful, cheerful, capable of doing little stupid things until their wife's rolling pin reaches them.

Some jokes about drunks are hilarious follow pretty much the same principle. But jokes about drunks have a slight advantage in the face of the reader's imagination. In the caricature, we see a reflection of the author's fantasy, in the anecdote we represent everything ourselves.

Prologue:
Inspired by a story about ladies (or not ladies) drinking crystal vodka in the metro.
In the 90s, we sometimes also had a feast with a good snack on regular buses. They settled on the nurses located face to face, placed glasses, vodka, beer, fish, etc. on bags on their knees.
They were young and healthy.
Maybe that's why people like the Brezhnev times, who were younger and healthier then, and are still ahead.

Actually history.
In the first half of the 90s, somehow my boss and his friend, Ph.D., passed by the canteen. And tables were taken out of this establishment to the street and they sold vodka on tap, of course, with a snack.

My leaders were stupefied, they had a bite to eat. And then, out of nowhere, a cop patrol from the bushes. Under the white hands and into the funnel. Made a protocol for drinking. In response to a completely legitimate question, why they sell, they answered: the canteen has a license for remote sale of alcohol - they sell and pour it, but you have no right to drink on the street. Received a fine for drinking in a public place.

How I traded sour beer

In 1992, he worked as a senior salesman in a “commercial” store, as they were then called.
It was the heyday of "free trade". When, along with the surviving state stores, private shops bred, on the windows of which, next to cigarettes, alcoholic drinks, food, Malvina jeans, Chinese tracksuits (supposedly) Adidas, and in general any other product, were completely sometimes unexpected variety.
Our store was located near the railway station Voskresensk, surrounded by then still operating enterprises, which employed about 10,000 people. On the days of advance payments and paydays, hard workers walked the usual route to the station, ordered 100 grams of vodka and a sandwich at the buffet, while receiving the right to drink at the same table a bottle of vodka bought in our store without a buffet extra charge. It is interesting that then "elite" vodkas appeared - "Rasputin", "Peter 1" - which cost two or three times more than usual. The men looked at these bottles in the window, were surprised at the price, bought the usual one, and went to the buffet. After some time, they came for an additive, were again amazed at the high cost of Rasputin, and again bought the usual one.
And so, - they come for the third time, with the words: "Come on, let's try!"
In general, our trade was brisk. And there were many interesting stories.
The goods were often brought from somewhere by the store manager. Maybe then there were already some beginnings of wholesale markets - I don't know. A significant part of the assortment was "by gravity". A man comes and hands over a few pieces of Malvina jeans. Announces the selling price. I draw up an invoice, which says that we sell jeans at such and such a price, and after the sale we give this money minus 15%. One man handed over a motor plow for sale, which, to my surprise, we sold a week later. Moreover, the buyer was in a padded jacket, tarpaulin boots, and with a backpack of money. Cash, of course - we didn't have any others then.
But I promised you to tell you about sour beer.
If we took manufactured goods only for sale, then we immediately gave money for alcoholic drinks and cigarettes. We put this product on a showcase with a price oriented to the prices of competitors. By the way, they also came to us to look at the prices. This is common practice. Sometimes we even agreed on these prices.
In our assortment there were always vodka from the Ryazan distillery and beer from the Ryazan brewery. This product also went by gravity. An unfamiliar man comes into the store, asks for “senior”, I go out, he says: “Will you take a beer”? In the back of a "lawn" or "zilka", or even in the cabin of a "Zhigulenka" he has a dozen cases of beer or vodka from Ryazan. We agree on a price, we bring the boxes into the store, I give him the money, I put the bottles on display.
And so, once bought in this way 20 cases of beer. Actually, it was too much. Because the previous batch has not yet been sold, and usually I bought boxes of 10-12, and this was enough until the next delivery. But this man was very persuasive, and well lost in price.
We then sold beer, as far as I remember, at 23 rubles. And he gave 12 rubles, against the usual fifteen.
Well, we sold the previous batch, and I began to take out the first of these twenty boxes from the back room to the trading floor, and my female colleague immediately sold the first bottle of these boxes to a hungover man. I'm still carrying around when he comes back with an open bottle and claims that the beer is sour. He says: “Here, try it yourself!”
Here it must be explained that for a significant part of my youth I was an absolute teetotaler, and in these thirty years of my life I did not know the taste of beer at all. Well, there is nothing to do - I open new bottle from this box, and ask my partner to taste it. Sips, - confirms: "The beer is sour."
I take away his open bottle from the peasant, I count out 23 rubles to him. He is upset: “Listen, I don’t have money, I need beer .... I spread my arms and explain that there is no other beer. He leaves upset.
The director arrives - I tell about the trouble. He sighs, “Well then, pour it all out. At least we can hand over the bottles.
Meanwhile, all this time, customers come into the store and ask for beer. They are told that there is no beer, they are surprised at the crates of beer, they are explained that it is sour - they do not believe ...
I hang a piece of paper on the boxes with beer - "Sour beer for 10 rubles."
The men come in, look, are surprised: “Why is it so cheap ?!”
I explain:
So sour...
- And what do you sell sour?
- There is no other. And we don't cheat.
- Ahh...
They leave ... Then they return: "Give me a bottle."
For 10 rubles, this beer went smartly. Even when there was already a fresh one for 23 rubles.
And for a long time after that, the buyers asked: “Is there no beer for ten?”

(I bought this bottle for a photo today. And the bills are the same ones from that store. I keep it in the garage ...)

How my friend saved the assistant professor

We studied at the institute, frankly speaking, not always intensely. Especially in non-core disciplines. And now - the exam ... We don’t know anything, there are no notes, - the situation is familiar to many. We sit three groups in an amphitheater - the teacher is somewhere below. I look at the ticket - one question out of seven vaguely assumes something. And that's it. I had three books with me, but I couldn't find anything in them. There is no one to ask - all of us are like me, only worse.
He took a closer look at the young assistant professor that he received from us - his face is very sad and wrinkled. I think: “We must go! The first one is traditionally a point higher for courage, which means there is a chance for a three.
I drew something miserable on a piece of paper, I go to the assistant professor. He's asking:
- Ready?
I shrug in response.
- Well, like this…
The ticket had a lot about optics. Two lines that I wrote, I try to stretch for five minutes. And from him the fumes are rushing, and it’s not even clear why he’s more crippled - from a hangover or from the nonsense that I’m talking about. He frowns, and with distinct suffering in his voice, forcing out the words with an effort, says:
- Nuuu, you somehow prepared this question not very well ... Maybe the next one will be better?
He listens to my nonsense again, frowns, covers his eyes ... I lean closer to him, whisper:
- What, brother, sucks?
He is surprised:
- What, can you help?
I am confident:
- Not a question at all! There are only three of us.
- How much time do you need?
It was a 10 minute walk to the small coop market on Novoslobodskaya. I answer:
- Half an hour - and I'm here!
He glanced at his watch, at the full audience, and nodded slowly. Obviously afraid to aggravate headache with a sharp movement.
I run to the market. A liter of vodka, beer, some sausages smoked in a vacuum, chips, something else ...
I return to the audience: "Allow me?"
He, delighted and visibly cheered up:
- Come in!
Looks up at the audience
- So! Everyone get ready, do not violate discipline! Do not hesitate to write off!
He takes the package from me and goes to the laboratory behind the department. I return to my table.
Here everyone rustled, whispered ...
He comes out again - his face smoothed out, his shoulders straightened, his gaze confident ...
I go up to him - he announces: "A solid four!"
Reminder: There are three of us. And I hold out a piece of paper with two names. He nods.
I leave the audience. My two friends are still in the hallway. I say: "Go faster, give up!"
…
Here, five years ago, I met with them, I remembered this incident - they say: “It didn’t happen!” Ungrateful...
And the most interesting thing then was that not only I was so smart. And after the exam, the teachers stayed there with our gifts. The wife found one of them there only on the third day and took it home.

Today I met with a partner, he told about his youth:
When I was at school, dad explained to me my future life path in a simple and understandable scheme:
- You study well and DO NOT DROP at school
-Join the Komsomol
- You go to the army, you DO NOT thump
- You come to enter the institute of a technical profile in Moscow or St. Petersburg
- You study well and drink in moderation
- You are distributed to our city to the factory (I will help)
You work and DON'T FLUSH!!!
- A year later you are the deputy head of the shop
- In two - chief
- After 3 - the head of the main workshop, you work and DO NOT thump!
- And what's next, dad?
- And then, son, I didn’t get there myself - I swelled .....

P.S. The partner turned out to be even funnier and trickier:
- he passed clearly like clockwork all the points that dad went through, and then ... the Soviet power was engulfed!
Tryndets with the plant, they don’t pay salaries, the management plunders what they can.
As a result, he left, wandered around cities and towns for a long time, as a result, his own business, then another one, and now I finally found out what's next!
- And what?
- Well, I'm now the director of the plant! Everything as dad and grandfather wanted!
True, I had to buy this plant first ....

An acquaintance went to a small village to inspect a medium-sized factory.
Upon arrival, I discovered that repairs had not been done in the only hotel for 20 years, and the management of the plant was not supposed to live under the contract. I asked the locals - they gave advice to go "to Ivanych." He knocked on the saklya - he explained what and how, he settled in with complete comfort and for a minimal price tag. Mikhail Ivanovich turned out to be a strong man under 70, with surprisingly developed brains and no bad habits. Children work in the city, he is retired, his wife kindergarten cleaning lady. We got talking. I learned a lot of useful rumors about the plant, which later came in handy during inspections. To my question "how is the pension" Ivanych said - I have double the amount, almost like in the capital.
- What is it like?
- Do you see vodka with cigarettes?
- Not
- Went
We go beyond the fence shows a decent house opposite: These are my cigarettes, I have saved up from them for 15 years.
Shows the house even better obliquely: And this is my vodka, dear - beautiful huh?
I rent to working visitors - they pay me a second pension.

In tsarist times, before the revolution, Balaklava was not a district of Sevastopol, but was just a small resort and fishing town 10 kilometers from the city. The great Russian writer Alexander Kuprin lived and worked there for a long time.
His house still stands in Balaklava and it is considered the house-museum of the great Russian writer Alexander Kuprin.
The local population, mainly the Greeks, to whom he dedicated the story "Listrigons", were very fond of the writer and he very often got drunk with fishermen in the taverns of Balaklava. One day, having drunk a lot of local wine, Kuprin sent a telegram to the tsarist minister Stolypin with the following content:
"Balaklava is separated from the Russian Empire, becomes an independent republic, introduces its own army and navy, as well as its own banknotes and laws.
Signature: Free residents of Balaklava."
After reading the text of the telegram, Stolypin, knowing who was behind the signature "Free residents of Balaklava", was not offended and sent a telegram with the following content:
"Kuprin, when you drink - have a bite!
Signed: Stolypin."

Vodka is the most versatile and natural food flavor enhancer.

When the Alcoholics Anonymous club asks "what are your plans for Friday", everyone cries.

Cosmetic imperfections can be corrected with vodka. The lack of vodka is such a lack that nothing can fix it.

15 years old: do not understand how you can spend time with alcohol;
20 years old: do not understand how you can spend time without alcohol;
Age 30+: You know you can spend time without alcohol, but you don't know why.

Rtishchevsky scientists are inclined to believe that vodka is the most versatile sauce of all known.

My grandfather, when he stopped drinking, began to brew moonshine for sale. And here I am sitting somehow with him, and he is running around the product - he constantly measures the degree, filters the water, puts additives for color, and is somehow too scrupulous about the process. I ask:
- Grandfather, why are you preparing your moonshine for the exhibition?
- No, I follow the quality.
- So, the competition has grown or what?)))
- No, last time they gave pi.dy for bad moonshine.

wedding story 2
This story took place in the late 1990s.
It was very cold weather in Sevastopol, but there was no snow. After registration, the wedding cortege departed for rides. We traveled all the important monuments, laid flowers at the monument to Nakhimov and on the eternal flame and went to the observation deck (in the last story I wrote that it is located 25-30 km from Sevastopol). We arrived, drank champagne, it does not warm! The site is windy and icy. We got vodka and the feast went like a mountain. According to tradition, ribbons are tied on a tree that grows there (such a ritual). But especially gifted or under the "fly" witnesses manage to climb a rock above the Observation Deck on the right and there, tie a ribbon on a ribbon growing on top of a tree.
Our witness. well warmed up with vodka, he begins to climb to the top. I. taking it off, drew attention to his shoes - the sole is leather and slips a little. our climber reached the goal, tied the ribbon and then ... He understands that he will not be able to go down - the stones are icy and he slides. Several unsuccessful attempts instilled in the fact that he almost moved off this cliff. The people don't know what to do. The picture is both funny (a shot from the movie "12 Chairs" when the priest is sitting on a rock with a sausage and howling) and tragic. After sitting on the rock for about an hour, our climber is already completely sober and almost crying. A small tourist group rises to the observation deck. The guide of this group, seeing the tragedy, calmly declared:
- Have you called mountain rescuers?
Silent scene.
- No, we don't have a phone number.
-Here's a number, keep it.
They dialed the number (fortunately, some already had mobile phones)
Rescuers arrived 15 minutes later. Without unnecessary talk and haste, they professionally hammered hooks, hung some equipment and removed a completely frozen witness from the top of the cliff. Everyone rushed to warm him with vodka inside and out. They began to thank the rescuers and offered them a drink for a successful rescue.
- From you 150 hryvnias (half a monthly average salary) - was the answer.
-For what?
- For violating the order and calling the employees of the mountain rescue service.
In general, everything ended well. Footage with the rescue of the witness was included in the wedding film!

Wine and women are not vodka and women for you!

Petrovich, do you love rum baba?
- Yes, Natasha, but I have only vodka from alcohol.
- This is not so important: the main thing is to soak the dried cake.

Dumb and Dumber

At the investment forum, one of the partners approached me, already very "warm" from whiskey, with a request to introduce me to that beautiful lady in all respects.
Without being opposed, I gave the lady to him, accompanying the attack with parting words containing a brief essence of my knowledge about her. The acquaintance went very well, they left the event together.
The next day I call, I answer half asleep:
- Hi! I want to thank you, a great man, just a very valuable contact for me! And such a gentleman!
Only I can’t understand one thing - why did he ask me several times about logging? I have nothing to do with real estate and finance, I have nothing to do with wood ...
- Look, it's cool! I am very glad that you liked Vasya, very very cool man! And he probably got it wrong about wood because he was drunk - he just has a project in this area, maybe he thought that you were in this topic or you know someone ...
- Okay, rest and thanks again!
Half an hour later, the second call:
- Hi! Listen, it’s not for nothing that you introduced me to Masha yesterday! We have a lot of common topics, we will work and maybe not only work! Only now I didn’t understand a damn thing that you told me about logging - it’s not on this topic at all!
- Answer me, friend, just be honest - have you slept with her already?
- Well, uh ... how can I tell you ... in short, okay - they came to her and I fell asleep - I drank too much yesterday. And in the morning I had to go on business, but just now I was freed.
- It's clear. I told you, dear, as an experienced comrade yesterday, not about logging, but about the fact that she is a LOG IN BED!
You're still lucky that she didn't understand shit, called half an hour ago, praised you with might and main, the great forester of all Russia, damn it!

Well, if the heat has gone on sudden train travel (dogs, alcoholics), then I will add. Moreover, even more than one case.

Early early 2000s, Romodan station in the Poltava region. The peasant suddenly catches a squirrel, and it seems to him that he has already arrived. At home, that is. What do we all do when we get home? No, not to the toilet. We start undressing. So he, quite justifiably, took off his jacket; businesslike, he threw his shirt on the back of the bench and proceeded to the belt on his trousers. The insidious belt did not want to give in immediately, saving us from striptease.

The passengers moved away in surprise (but did not turn away), and then the police arrived in time. They terribly did not want to mess with him, and at that time the “fly” had just raised its voice against Romny. Caring guardians of order even collected things in a bag and, together with the passenger who had begun to fit on the bench to sleep, threw them into the car.

Here's another one from about the same time. Kharkiv, my friends graduated from the university, were thrown out of the hostel and rented their first independent apartment a five-minute walk from the station. She was in a deplorable state, which did not prevent her from becoming a very popular place for female students. And there was a permanent movement: you could come at any time of the day and find someone to drink beer and chat with. Countless gags spawned this place; many respectable people now swelled up there in the zyuzyu long winter evenings.

And Ruslanchik was among the guests. A harmless person hooked on a counter strike. He did not have his own computer, so he used a naive trick: he came, looked - no, for example, Max. Well, he says, I'm to Max. Let me play while he comes.

Once on the fifth local were indignant. Ruslanchik did not heed the words, and one evening a "brilliant" idea came to the intoxicated heads. Our hero was already thinking weakly, joyfully drove with them to the station. There, a train to Krasnograd cheerfully bred couples. They hooked him up with some schoolchildren and sternly ordered to follow "our friend, he has to go to Krasnograd." Schoolchildren responsibly approached the task and stopped the timid attempts of the hero, who was starting to sober up, to leave earlier.

The next day, a joyful Ruslan burst into the apartment and yelled: dudes, guess where I was yesterday! He never understood what happened...

And for dessert about water procedures. At that time, in Kharkov, the Railway Station Square was radically repaired. We made beautiful fountains with multi-colored lighting, bridges. And then one hot July afternoon, Seryoga comes up to the cops and gives them 51 UAH (a fine for petty hooliganism). O_o, - say the cops, - what is it?

I'm paying a fine, - Seryoga answers.
- For what?
- And now I'm going to bathe in the fountain!

Then he jumps into the fountain, quickly climbs out from the other side and runs away. You should have seen the faces of the patrolmen!

"Everything we do, both good and bad, is sure to come back to us."

An interesting man works for a partner in the office - Dmitry Vadimovich. He is engaged in the technical support of the facility, including doing a lot with his hands. Master, in a word. His uniqueness lies in the fact that despite his position and secondary special education, Dmitry Vadimovich is an extremely well-read and intelligent man. It looks a lot like Gosha from Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears. To help lift the stroller, bring granny a bag of groceries, move it across the street - he is always in the forefront. Doesn't swear at the word at all. He answers obscenities quietly, distinctly and without raising his voice. It is impossible to piss off in principle (the psychologist tried to test at the request of the boss - but failed completely).
He constantly does something useful for society - either he will plant a tree near the house, or he will donate blood.

Dmitry Vadimych has only one minus - since the school he has been swelling the little boy. It is a boy, because he knows his measure just like reinforced concrete. 100 grams of vodka (or other alcohol in terms of alcohol equivalent) per day - and not a drop more - even on a birthday or other big holiday. But here he drinks systematically, that is, daily and without interruption.

Dmitry turned 50 this year. He travels a lot for work, but his car appeared only 20 years ago.
So - about karma and the return of good in the universe: for 20! years of drunk driving - not a single accident, in any form. They didn't even rumple the left car in the parking lot. And this applies to any transport on which he moves.
And traffic cops stopped only a couple - three times - of course, never checking for an alcoholic.
On the road behaves as intelligently as in life - strictly according to the rules.

P.S. I thought and felt sad - among my entourage, all the most tragic accidents occurred solely through the fault of very experienced and completely sober drivers, and not reckless on the road.
A comrade who was standing in a traffic jam on the ring got into the worst accident - a moron rushing along the opposite side lost control, caught on another car, jumped on a dividing stone and, having flown over it, fell exactly on the car of a person peacefully pushing in a traffic jam. When the guys analyzed the accident - the probability of such a flight was in a tiny fraction of a percent - "angles and accelerations converged."

It was at the beginning of the 2000s. I worked as a cameraman in the television and radio studio of the Naval Forces of Ukraine "BRIZ" in Sevastopol. The night before, I received a task: to arrive at the studio early in the morning with a journalist and to leave in a service UAZ for the exercises of coastal defense troops near Feodosia to the training ground. We arrived at the place, and there is such a fog that you can barely see the edge of the hood of our car. We began to wander around the range and almost drove into a silently standing tank. The commander of the tank crew was asked where the command post was. He explained, and we groped our way to the building. After some time, the commander of the Ukrainian Navy, Vice Admiral Igor Knyaz, arrived. After conferring with the officers, he ordered the exercises to be postponed to the next day. Seeing us, he gave the order to place the film crew in a tent. Suddenly, the loud voice of my journalist Elena Pilipchuk is heard from the UAZ:
- Me, a woman, to be placed in a tent with soldiers????
The commander looked back at our car and was embarrassed. Then he ordered an officer to place us in a military sanatorium in Feodosia (the training ground is located 30 km from Feodosia).
- Place, feed and drink! - was a laconic order.
- There is! Feed, place and drink! - was the answer of the lieutenant commander, who was seconded to us.
We arrive in the city, find this military sanatorium, move in. The officer, making sure that we were given good numbers, leaves with the words:
- I will come soon!
About an hour passes and a lieutenant commander comes into my room and asks for help to carry the packages. I go down to the reception, take a few packages and take them up to my room. Lena is already sitting there and cutting bread. The officer takes food out of the packages. Then he takes my packages and starts laying out the contents of them. And then, ATTENTION!, 3 (THREE) bottles of vodka 0.75 volume are extracted into the light! Seeing a silent question in our eyes, he answered clearly in a military way:
- The commander ordered to place, feed, drink! Order completed! Here is vodka!

Preparation of moonshine and alcohol for personal use
absolutely legal!

After the demise of the USSR, the new government stopped the fight against moonshine. Criminal liability and fines were abolished, and the article on the prohibition of the production of alcohol-containing products at home was removed from the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. To this day, there is not a single law that prohibits you and me from engaging in our favorite hobby - making alcohol at home. This is evidenced by the Federal Law of July 8, 1999 No. 143-FZ “On the Administrative Liability of Legal Entities (Organizations) and Individual Entrepreneurs for Offenses in the Field of Production and Turnover ethyl alcohol, alcoholic and alcohol-containing products” (Sobraniye zakonodatelstva Rossiyskoy Federatsii, 1999, N 28, item 3476).

Excerpt from the Federal Law of the Russian Federation:

"The effect of this Federal Law does not apply to the activities of citizens (individuals) who do not produce products containing ethyl alcohol for the purpose of marketing."

Moonshine in other countries:

In Kazakhstan in accordance with the Code of the Republic of Kazakhstan On Administrative Offenses dated January 30, 2001 N 155, the following liability is provided. So, according to article 335 “Manufacture and sale alcoholic beverages home-made" illegal production for the purpose of selling moonshine, chacha, mulberry vodka, mash and other alcoholic beverages, as well as the sale of these alcoholic beverages entails a fine in the amount of thirty monthly calculation indices with confiscation of alcoholic beverages, apparatus, raw materials and equipment for their manufacture, and also received from their sale of money and other valuables. However, the law does not prohibit the preparation of alcohol for personal purposes.

In Ukraine and Belarus things are different. Articles No. 176 and No. 177 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of Ukraine provide for the imposition of fines in the amount of three to ten tax-free minimum wages for the manufacture and storage of moonshine without the purpose of sale, for the storage without the purpose of sale of apparatus * for its production.

Article 12.43 repeats this information practically word for word. “Production or purchase of strong alcoholic beverages (moonshine), semi-finished products for their production (mash), storage of devices for their production” in the Code of the Republic of Belarus on Administrative Offenses. Paragraph No. 1 states: “Manufacturing by individuals of strong alcoholic beverages (moonshine), semi-finished products for their manufacture (mash), as well as storage of devices * used for their manufacture - entails a warning or a fine in the amount of up to five basic units with confiscation of the indicated drinks, semi-finished products and devices.

*Purchase moonshine stills for home use it is still possible, since their second purpose is the distillation of water and the preparation of components for natural cosmetics and perfumery.

Two drunk girlfriends:
- Lyuba, are we in the jungle?
- Sveta, take the dill off your glasses!

Father, is alcohol an enemy to health?
- Enemy.
- Why do you consume it?
- And as it is said in the scripture: - Love your enemy.

One man is sitting at the bar, drinking whiskey, another one comes up to him.
He orders whiskey and asks to keep the conversation going:
Where are you from, mister?
- County Cornwall, from the village of Blackstone, sir.
- Oh-oh-oh, mister, I also come from there, but what street do you live on?
- Parkinson Street, sir.
"Me too, what's your father's name?"
- Savinge, sir.
- Crap! And my Savinge, and mother?
Then a third man comes up to the counter and asks the bartender:
- What is going on here?
“Yeah, the Downs twins got drunk again.

Only a cold bottle of vodka can be more disgusting than warm beer.

Drunk Russian hacker is practically invincible!

A fat wife drags a heavily drunk husband:
- Well, what are you doing? Again zenki flooded to the very tonsils. You know how I can't stand it when you drink so much!
- I can't watch when you eat so much...

A powerful lobby of grandmothers-bootleggers and grandfathers-moonshiners pushed through the Duma a law banning the sale of alcohol at night ...

A cemetery at night is, perhaps, the only place on earth where you are less afraid of a drunken man with a bat than a lonely little girl in a white dress with pigtails and bows.

Joints ache - to the rain ...
Teeth whine - to the dentist ...
A friend whines - to the booze!

The couple that loves adventure the most is vodka and ass.

Vodka is made from wheat, potatoes, wood and even oil!
- Oil? So that's why oil is so expensive!

Here you drink whiskey, not vodka - this is not patriotic!
- I do not drink it, but destroy it. It's patriotic.

Calling the accountant from security:
- Wow, what are you doing there?
- Well, as usual: reconciliation, summary ...
- So, pour out the vodka, kick Verka out: the revision has arrived!

An alcoholism coding done to Ukrainian President Poroshenko was hacked Friday night by unidentified Russian hackers.

Runner Usain Bolt has signed with an African football club.
The boys will run for beer.

DJ on youth radio:
- Hello?
- Hello, my name is Mikhail, I want to congratulate my friend Anatoly on his birthday. Put on for him, please, the song "Only, a glass of vodka on the table"!

The head of the apiary could never determine by the face whether his employees were drinking or working.

One doctor asks another:
- Why do you ask patients what alcohol they drink? Does this affect the diagnosis?
- No, it affects what fee I take from them.

Sometimes it seems that a person is drunk, but in fact he is under a strong impression. From a drunk bottle of vodka.

Vitya, what have you come to! Alcoholic and a womanizer! Take an example from Pasha. He is a drug addict and homosexual.

I am vodka - with me for the holiday clearly!
- I'm a salad - I'm glad for your faces!
- I'm moonshine - I'm going to overtake!
- I'm a gorilka - brain fool!
- And I'm hashish ... I forgot the words ...

Alcohol is the most volatile liquid. It is worth opening the cork, and after 20 minutes - it's empty!

Two fishermen are sitting on the shore. They forgot vodka at home, the fish do not bite, they are silent for an hour, another ... They gathered in silence, wandered home. One to another:
- Listen, at least the weather did not disappoint, right?

The customer ordered coffee. Have brought. Seeing that they were drinking beer, he called the waiter:
- Take the coffee and bring the beer.
Have brought. He drinks a beer and leaves.
- And pay for beer?
- Yes, I gave you coffee for him!
- And you didn't pay for the coffee either.
So I didn't drink it!

And how much does it cost to be encoded from alcoholism?
- 30 thousand.
- No, I'd rather drink!

Pros of life without a relationship: You hang out with whoever you want, when you want, where you want.
Cons: all the money goes to alcohol.

Raising fines, excise taxes on vodka and cigarettes, reducing hospital beds - our government is ready to take all measures to adequately get out of the crisis without forcing Abramovich to sell the sixth yacht!

I started drinking less.
I don't drink moonshine anymore.

I got drunk yesterday, and this bastard took advantage of it!
- Raped?
- No, he ran away.

You need to be drunk for a passport photo so that they recognize you at the airport!

In my room, please order a non-alcoholic beer.
- Man, you will probably be interested - we have rubber women for rent.

World Cup - who will drink more vodka. Fedor from Russia won. However, the gold was taken from him. Doping was found in the blood!

Two drunken men come out of the tavern:
- Well, now for the women!
- No, I have a beautiful and young wife!
- Understood, we're going to you!

A drunken man is walking along a long fence. A pretty girl meets him. The man grabs the girl and puts cancer to the fence. The girl asks:
- Can I take off my jeans?
- Don't, I'll get over it.

I'd like a pack of condoms, a bottle of champagne and a lollipop, please.
- A lollipop, why?
- For fun.

This shkolota in the cinema eats popcorn, and I am an adult, respectable person. Therefore, I eat hot dumplings and drink them with ice-cold vodka.

Throughout the world, alcoholism is considered a disease.
And only with us:
- You don't drink? You are mad, are not you?

Armenian radio is asked:
- What is the difference between Russian and French alcohol consumption?
Answer:
- The French - eat and drink. Russians drink and eat.

Two friends talking on the phone:
- Well, I have a hangover. I drank so much yesterday that I don't even remember how I left you. Probably the last bottle was too much.
— In any case, the last bottle was superfluous! By the way, come visit me today.
- Why?
- What do you mean why? You will bring my cat and, at the same time, you will take your hat.

English men mostly talk about the weather. French are about women. And the Russians first talk about vodka, when they get drunk - about women and already with a hangover - about the weather.

I have never drunk a glass of vodka in my entire life!
— What is it?
I love glasses...

I know what could be worse than a hangover - a hangover at work.

The wife comes with a bag, goes into the hall:
- Honey, this is for you.
Spreads out of the bag beer, vobla, crayfish.
Why don't you watch football, honey? Would you like some delicious food?
- Strongly?
- Not really, honey: headlight, bumper and hood.

Every Russian has an avatar.
Just drink vodka and immediately become kind and blue. And you also think that you are big, strong and very dexterous.

Childhood ends the moment you stop being afraid of spiders and start to be afraid of expired food and hangovers.

To make the date successful, create a romantic atmosphere. No girl can resist a beer and a half with her behind the garages.

A fisherman sits and catches fish in winter. Freezing. Another fisherman passes by and asks:
- Man, what are you doing? It's so cold outside, and you're without a hat.
- Yeah, I was sitting like this yesterday in a hat, they offered me a drink, but I didn’t hear.

The puppeteer from the Good Night Kids program came to work with a hangover, so Stepash was shaking and shivering throughout the program.

An anniversary is celebrated in the provincial theater. In a small dressing room, two uninvited actors are sitting - a comedian and a tragedian. On the table is a bottle of cheap vodka, a jar of cucumbers.
Tragedian (drinking vodka, eating a cucumber):
- Hmmm... They didn't invite... Forgotten...
Comedian (drinking vodka and eating a cucumber)
- M-mda ... They didn’t invite (the mouth breaks into a smile) - they still remember!

Why don't women drink enough?
Because the vast majority of men are handsome!

Poorly dressed, hungover, a man enters a chic restaurant. He sits at a table and calls the waiter. Waiter contemptuously:
- What will we eat?
- Big pickle, please.
The waiter is even more contemptuous:
- What are we going to drink?
- Squeeze this cucumber into a glass.

Rabinovich returns home from the clinic and says to his wife:
- The doctor told me: "Alcohol categorically!" I asked him: "For how long?" He replied: "Bye forever!"

Two Americans - white and black - came to Russia. White says:
- Let's get drunk on vodka at a construction site like Russians!
- Let's!
They got drunk on vodka, the black man passed out. White took him on his shoulder and carried him.
The watchman comes out, yells: - Stop!
White says: Hello!
— Heylo himself! Ruberoid put in place!

Wife:
- I want something light, warm ...
Hungover Husband:
- Would you like beer?

Andrey ordered a bottle of whiskey at the bar, and already a bottle of whiskey in Andrey ordered another one and the song "Officers" seven times in a row.

Biathlon in our way: while you run for vodka, you shoot cigarettes along the way ...

— Garzon! Seems like I've had too much. bring something
sobering.
- Bill, please.

A man wakes up with a severe hangover and begins to lament loudly:
- Here's the mother-in-law, here's the bastard!
Confused wife:
- Cute? what did my mom do to you?
- It was necessary to name your daughter in such a way that a normal person would not remember in the morning!

The magic of numbers.
In Russia, after the first one, they don’t have a bite, after two, they don’t stop, and after the third, they don’t get married ...

A man wakes up with a hangover, his head is cracking. There is an acute attack of vomiting. Rushing to the toilet.
- The little daughter, who watched the process, says in a teacher's voice:
- Dad, well, who's pooping like that!

The patient shows the doctor a black peeled tongue.
- My God, what happened to you?
- Oh, nothing special. I just spilled half a liter of vodka on the asphalt.

In Germany, a foreigner was detained at the wheel, in whose blood a lethal dose of alcohol was found three times...
All of Russia is looking forward to the announcement of the nationality of the violator!

The inscription on a bottle of vodka: "Shake before abuse!"

What will happen if there is no vodka in Russia?
- According to Lomonosov's theory, it will appear somewhere else, and there will be Russia!

- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- It's me, the postman Pechkin, brought a note about your boy!
- What note? We sent you for a bottle!

The doctor says to the patient:
- Sounds like you've been stressed recently?
- Yes, before my eyes the computer was washed with alcohol.

A boy of about eight walks into a bar and addresses the bartender:
— Double whisky, please.
Seeing that the bartender is looking at him with such a mockingly puzzled look, the boy says:
- This is not for me, but for my younger brother, who sits in a wheelbarrow, and I myself never drink while driving.

Plumber Petrovich is fifty today and it is his hundredth day without alcohol. Not in a row, of course.

- I have no friends!
- Why?
- I do not drink…

The villager, hungover, runs into the barn. In the dark, he hits his head on the crossbar, steps into manure, slipping, falls into a trough with slops for a pig, immediately a shovel breaks off the wall and hits him on the back, standing up, steps on a rake and again hits his forehead. Went outside:
- This is not a barn, but some kind of Fort Bayard!

Morning, at work, an employee suffers from a hangover. I:
- Let me give you a pill for the head?
She (putting her head in her hands)
- No, I must suffer, I must remember that you can’t drink cognac with white wine! ..

The son comes home drunk. He is met by his father
- Well, breathe!
- Are you short of air?

— Darling, do you remember, I promised you an asterisk?! I've brought ... as many as five! Get the glasses!

Sometimes fate poses an unsolvable dilemma for a person. You understand that you don’t have to finish the bottle, but leave some of the alcohol in the morning for a hangover.
- But on the other hand, if you don’t finish drinking, then there will be no hangover. Why leave then?

The men gathered to hunt, but the wife does not let one:
- I know your hunting, get drunk like pigs and crawl home on your eyebrows. Take it with you, then you can.
The men consulted and decided to take it - they will come up with something along the way. We arrived in the forest, found a suitable clearing, gave my wife a double-barreled shotgun and said:
- You sit here in the bushes, and we will go to drive the elk. We will drive straight at you, and you look do not miss, otherwise all the work will go to waste.
They left her, and they themselves stomped vodka into their hut to eat. We woke up when the moon was already shining. The husband grabbed his head, saying what his wife would do with him and decided to go to surrender. They came to the clearing and see the following picture: a carcass lies in the center of the lawn, a woman paces around it with a gun on her shoulder. And then a voice from the bushes:
- All right, it's your prey. But that saddle, give me the saddle!

From a wonderful festive evening with friends, I rode the subway home. Only they, bastards, broke off! They woke me up with ammonia and asked why I had been holding onto a clothes hanger on the balcony for 40 minutes?

Dad, and dad - where is the plane flying to?
Probably for a beer...
- Dad, what is the machine carrying?
Probably beer...
- Dad, and dad, what did you do - beer and beer?
- Yes, I have a hangover, my daughter ...

Two guys choose beer.
Reach out to the salesperson:
- Two goats!
Saleswoman:
- I see! What will you take?

Diary entry:
- In the morning my hands are shaking with a hangover. He began to unbutton his pajamas - the buttons flew off. He took the briefcase - the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the toilet...

Alcoholic Vasily switched from triple cologne to double. How did the crisis hit you...?

A man calls a friend with whom he drank yesterday in the morning.
- Listen, did we drink beer yesterday?
- Drinking!
- What about vodka?
- Drinking!
- What about cognac?
- Drinking!
- Did you drink rocket fuel?
- Well, yes!
- Did you poop?
- Not yet.
- Don't go, I'm calling from Tokyo!!!

- Captain Ivanov, do you want to get a major?
- Yes sir!
“All right, go to the sobering-up station and get Major Petrov there.

You are cool when you drink
- And you're cool when I'm drunk.

A small, frightened girl comes home and says to her mother:
Mom, they wanted to kill me!
- What did you get?
- I was sitting, playing in the sandbox, then two men came, took out glasses and a bottle, and said: “Let's hit the little one!”

Tell Holmes what is better to drink: expensive cognac in a five-star hotel or plain vodka in the kitchen?
- Of course vodka. After all, vodka is drunk with friends, and expensive cognac is left for a rainy day, when instead of friends, wife, mistress, only business partners remain.

- What is the geographical origin of wine for you?
- I need wine of geographical origin "up to 400 rubles."

A woman is dragging a drunken man through the Odessa airport:
- Yasha, I wish you would die with your vodka! My brains are still boiling from the thought of how to drag you home ...
— Rose, I want to know where we are?
- In the airport!
— Rose, what are we doing at the airport?
- SHO Sho. We are returning from Egypt!
- That you sho ... Well, how is it?

I will rise to the sky to him!
I'll fall into the abyss after him!
I'm behind him, sorry, pride!
- Che is really such a good whiskey? Okay, let's try.

Kuzmich drags a huge bottle of vodka from the attic. Suddenly he breaks down and falls with a terrible crash. Friends from the next room call out: - Kuzmich! Whole vodka? — Vodka? (sucking sound, smacking) - Vodka is intact! Yes ... But the bottle broke ...

Girl, let me see you?
- Do you have serious intentions?
- I would like to treat you to port wine. And there is processed cheese.
- Well, then you can. And then every chantrap always sticks with cologne and a crust of bread.

The boy comes to the store
- Give me a bottle of vodka!
Salesman:
- I won’t give it, it’s still small!
Yes, my father sent me!
- Well, sent, so what now - get drunk because of this?

Bartender, Guinness for me!
- Beer?
- No, damn it, a book of records!

A young wife complains to her friend that her husband is drinking.
“If you knew that he was drinking,” the friend was surprised, why did you marry him?
I had no idea what he was drinking. And suddenly one day he came home sober ...

Yesterday at a party I got so drunk that I got home on my own two feet: on my wife and mother-in-law.

American - Russian:
- I imagine how you dine: an oak table, on the table - a bottle of vodka, black bread, herring, onions, porridge, dumplings. Under the table is a machine gun. On the wall - balalaika and budyonovka. There is a tank in the yard, and a bear on the porch.
Russian:
- What kind of nonsense?! Why one bottle of vodka?!

- He is so drunk that he cannot knit a bast.
- A controversial gradation of the degree of intoxication: for example, I won’t tie him sober ...

- Fedya, what are you going to drink: champagne, beer, wine, vodka?
“Yes, that’s probably the order in which I’ll drink.”

Father sits in the kitchen and drinks. Suitable daughter:
- Dad, can I take an empty bottle, rent it and buy some bread.
— Take it, hand it over… What would you eat here without me?

Parrot on the plane stewardess:
- Hey, sheep, whiskey and quickly!
She brings him whiskey. Some time later he:
- The goat is tattered, whiskey to me and quickly!
She serves him again. A man sitting behind a parrot thinks: "What a parrot can do, I can do it." And shouts to the stewardess after:
- Fool, beer to me and livelier!
The flight attendant's patience is overflowing and she complains to the captain. The captain decides to throw the parrot and the man out. The door opens. Parrot for a man:
- Man, you're too greyhound for a non-flying one.

An old man came to the sea from a terrible hangover, threw a net and caught goldfish. The fish asks him:
What do you want, old man?
The old man sighed heavily.
“A bottle of beer and get dry!”

A drunken man in his shorts, obscenely insulting all passers-by in a row, did not attract the attention of street vendors due to the obvious lack of money with him.
For the same reason, he did not attract the attention of the policemen on duty nearby.

She asked her husband to go to the store, gave him a cheat sheet on what to buy:
1. Bread
2. Sausage
3. Milk
4. Toothpaste
5. Toilet paper
6. Beer
When I came from the store, I looked into the packages, there was one loaf of bread, two sticks of sausage, three packages of milk, four tubes of pasta, five rolls of toilet paper and six bottles of beer. There is nothing to complain about, but next time I will start the list of necessary purchases with his beer.

Plumber Sidorov blew on the cake prepared by his wife for his birthday.
Candles flared brighter.

A woman dressed as a nurse turns on a man because he subconsciously believes she has alcohol.

- From the world of fashion. Russian couturiers have developed for the poor part of the population special jackets with the smell of bread and cucumber on the sleeve for sniffing vodka.

There is only one thing that can be said for sure about the man who invented button-down jeans: he does not drink beer.

A man enters a store
- A box of vodka.
They take it out to him, he puts it in a bag and leaves.
The next day, the same man and the same seller in the same store:
- A box of vodka.
They take him out, he shifts and leaves.
The same happens on the third, fourth, fifth day.
The next day, a man comes in, the seller to him - as to a friend:
- As always, a case of vodka?
- No, three. I have a holiday today.

- Come on, you close your eyes and poke at the map at random. Wherever you put your finger, there we will spend our holidays!
But it's a wine list!
- Poke already!

The man died. Friends stand at the coffin:
- And he looks good.
- Still, he hasn’t drunk for three days.

Let's fly away?
- Airplane or tequila?

A man is hired to work at a factory. Everything has already been shown to him, except for one thing:
- Where's the smoking room?
- We don't smoke.
- Why?!
- We are afraid that the fume will detonate ...

Disaster - the plane crashed into the sea. Spitting out, two pilots emerge. One:
- I told you not to pour the autopilot, and you - "tradition, tradition"! ..

Is that a bottle of wine in your hand?
- No, it's a cure for depression.
- It looks like a bottle of wine.
- Are you a doctor?

The queue at the beer stall. Outraged exclamation:
- Why don't you add it?
The saleswoman, referring to the queue:
- Do you hear? .. This man wants you to not have enough beer!

Beer in your bar, unlike competitors, has not risen in price for a penny! Tell us the formula for success!
- H2O.

— No, dear, your new hat is not to my taste...
— Of course. To please your taste, you need to wear a bottle of vodka on your head.

Double whiskey.
- Dear, our son said the first word!

In the restaurant:
- Waiter! Something non-alcoholic for me!
- What will you do? Mineral water, fanta, cola?
“Ah, I don’t care, I’m new to this business.

Perfect family.
Wife:
- Darling, go drink vodka!
Husband:
- Darling, I haven't washed the floors yet!

Two drunks are talking:
- Listen, buddy! And what is this alk ... alk .. alcohol analyzer?
- Well, this thing ... there, in short, you breathe and it says how drunk you are.
— Ha! Estimate! And I've been married to this thing for 10 years!

A man comes home, barely able to stand on his feet, his wife opens the door and says:
- Well, why are you silent, say something.
- Sewerage!
- What?
- Sewerage!
- Take a deep breath and speak clearly!
He (inhaling deeply): - How drunk I am !!!

At a late hour, a nun looks into the shop and, making sure that no one is there, buys a case of beer. The clerk, sarcastically so, asks:
- And what is it for, sister, you might need a beer?
- You know, hair grows better if you wash it with beer.
- Ahh... Well, then I also recommend these salted bagels - they can be used very well instead of curlers!

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian came to a desert island. They lived on the island, grieved, until one day a bottle was nailed to the island. They opened it, and from there - Genie and says:
- You freed me, so I will fulfill two wishes of each.
The Englishman rejoiced and said:
- A bag of money and - home! - and was like that.
The Frenchman rejoiced and said:
- Women - and home! - and also disappeared.
There was only one Russian, he got bored. thought and said:
- Oh, it was a good company! .. Give me a box of vodka and everyone back.

Why have you been drinking so much lately?
- It's hereditary.
- In what sense?
My mother-in-law died and left a legacy.

The men are sitting in the pub:
- Sorry, guys, I won’t do it anymore, I don’t want to spend the night in the entrance again.
“What happened?” the men ask him in unison.
“Yes, I drank too much yesterday, and my wife did not let me into the house. I had to spend the night at the entrance.
- Vaska, you don't have a wife.

Peak hour. A mother and five-year-old daughter ride in a trolleybus. The mother takes out an orange, peels it, gives it to her daughter, and throws the skins out the open window. Passengers are outraged. Baby too:
- Mom, what are you doing!
Passengers approvingly pick up:
Such a mother has such a well-bred child.
And the child finishes the sentence:
- They should be put in moonshine!

— Green tea removes toxins from the body.
- And the vodka just burns them there!

- What is the most profitable to breed in our national economy?
- Alcohol with water.

When Katya was 3 years old, she ran naked on the beach. Now she is 30 and two bottles of champagne help her return to her childhood ...

At the banquet, the guests alternately read congratulations and announce toasts in honor of the hero of the day. A lot had already been drunk when a waiter approached the next speaker and addressed with the words:
“I beg your pardon, sir, but it seems to me that your congratulatory speech is tucked behind your collar instead of a napkin, and what you are reading is a menu!”

Telephone call. Husband picks up the phone
- Excuse me, it's your wife's colleague calling. Tell me, does Svetlana Vladimirovna feel well after yesterday's corporate party?
Why should she feel bad? She doesn't drink alcohol!
- I have to disappoint you...
- Yes, what do you allow yourself?! She doesn't even take it in her mouth!
- It seems that I will have to upset you twice ...

- Why are you so drunk?
“Yulka got me drunk!”
"What, you couldn't refuse?"
She threatened me!
- How?
“If I don’t drink, she won’t pour me more!”

The plane is flying. An alarmed stewardess enters the cabin and asks:
- Citizens passengers! If you have alcohol, hand it over to the co-pilot immediately. We are running out of fuel.
Cognac, vodka, etc. were carried into the cockpit. The cockpit closed and there was silence. An hour later, the door to the salon swings open and the completely drunk crew commander loudly announces:
- And now our crew will give a small concert.

I love her so much, I'm ready for anything for her!
So get married, fool!
- On whom? On vodka?

A man wakes up in the morning, and a badger sits on his chest.
- Who are you?
— Badger.
- What are you doing here?
- Yes, no squirrels will be enough for you drunks ...

The husband comes home drunk. The wife, as usual, begins to nag him:
"You drunken pig...
"Push, woman!" I have a holiday today!
What other holiday?
- Civil Aviation Day!
- How does it concern you? You are a plumber!
— And who just came on autopilot? ..

He was such a cautious and prudent person that even going to work, and he worked as a loader on distillery, just in case, I took a check of vodka with me.

The blonde enters the store. The salesperson asks:
- What does the girl want?
- The girl wants a Martini, but she came for bread ...

- Well, my heart just bleeds, as I see these alcoholized animals!
- What are you, there are only three frogs ...
That's right - three frogs. And alcohol - ten liters!

Perfume department. Suitable man:
- Is there a Triple cologne?
- Yes.
— Box, please.
“Maybe you are getting ready for the wedding?”

The doctor enters the room and indignantly says to the patient:
- Patient, why are you already drinking the second bottle of beer? I allowed no more than one?
- And the head. department allowed only one. Together you get two!

The encoded husband crawls home on all fours.
- Wife! Call the police!
- What happened?
- I was hacked!